1
00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:04,672
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
I don't want to get a divorce.

2
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,640
Why we got to get a divorce?

3
00:00:06,707 --> 00:00:07,941
Because I have grown up

4
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,044
and you are still
the same guy you were at 19.

5
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,112
No, that is not true.

6
00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,313
I got a lot more money now.

7
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,915
Not about what you have;
it's about who you are.

8
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,217
Oh.

9
00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:19,087
Well, I'm pretty much
the same guy.

10
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,588
Great news, Alan.

11
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:23,191
Berta has agreed to be
my live-in housekeeper.

12
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,059
Yeah, he talked me into it.

13
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,096
I wonder what his sweat
tastes like.

14
00:00:28,162 --> 00:00:29,263
Time for me to go.

15
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:30,831
Wait.

16
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:32,100
Come here.

17
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:33,601
Give us a hug good-bye.

18
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,571
I'm taking your room, Zippy.

19
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,540
You saved my
butt back there.

20
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,708
I owe you big time.

21
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:41,709
If there is anything
that you need,

22
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,144
any way I can help you...

23
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:45,913
Well, really uncomfortable
living at my mom's.

24
00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:48,549
Um, do you think I could
stay here for a few days

25
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:49,850
till I find my own place?

26
00:00:49,917 --> 00:00:51,152
Yeah, no problem.

27
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,225
I'm back.

28
00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:00,094
Hello, room.

29
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:02,263
Did you miss me?

30
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:03,997
Whoa!
Whoa!

31
00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,999
What the hell are
you doing here?

32
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,336
I live here. What the hell
are you doing here?

33
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,604
Um, see, Berta's got
my room now, so...

34
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:11,772
No.
Yes.

35
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,006
No.
It's just temporary.

36
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,075
I'm not sleeping with my dad.

37
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,944
What are we going to do,
sleep on the same bed?

38
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,846
No, I'll get the air
mattress out of the garage.

39
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,047
That you'll sleep on.
No.

40
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,715
Yes. Yes!
No.

41
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,952
(air hissing)

42
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:30,624
* Men.

43
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:33,961
Good morning.

44
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,062
Morning.

45
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:36,197
Where you been?

46
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,931
Little power walk
on the beach.

47
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,800
Got to tell you, Zip,

48
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:41,802
I can see why your
brother couldn't get you

49
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:43,871
out of this house with
the jaws of life.

50
00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,674
Malibu is the
greatest place

51
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,176
to wake up in
the morning.

52
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:51,345
I'm glad you're enjoying
my room.

53
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,681
Alan, I say
this with love.

54
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,316
It was never
your room.

55
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,352
Morning.

56
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,888
Ah... did I miss
our power walk?

57
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,356
I tried to cuddle you awake,

58
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,891
but you weren't interested.
Oh.

59
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,329
So, Alan, how's
the house hunting coming?

60
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,764
Oh, still looking.
Uh, not a lot available.

61
00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:13,033
Maybe that's 'cause you're
looking in the sports section.

62
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:16,136
Well, don't worry.

63
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,771
You can stay here as
long as you need to.

64
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:18,806
Aw!

65
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,674
Oh, just a... a few more days.

66
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:22,009
Maybe a week tops.

67
00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:24,077
Aw.

68
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,847
Hey, uh, listen, Walden,
um, while I am here,

69
00:02:26,914 --> 00:02:28,282
I was wondering
how you would feel

70
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,850
about me having
an overnight guest.

71
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,051
Aw.

72
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,755
I thought you
were the overnight guest.

73
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,724
(laughing)

74
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,227
Your wit is only exceeded
by your generosity.

75
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,094
Um, the thing is,

76
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,663
I'm having dinner tonight
with this woman

77
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,198
I used to be
in a relationship with.

78
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,400
And I don't know how things
are going to play out,

79
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,203
but if they go well,
I'd like to bring her back here

80
00:02:49,270 --> 00:02:51,205
and, uh, you know...

81
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:53,073
reconcile.

82
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:55,843
Is she homeless, too?

83
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,145
Oh, oh, no, no, it-it's just
that she has a teenage son,

84
00:02:58,212 --> 00:03:02,149
and I'm not really keen
on him hearing us, you know...

85
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:04,184
reconcile.

86
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,721
But it's okay
for me to hear you?

87
00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:09,690
Oh, don't worry, we'll be quiet.

88
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:10,924
And quick.

89
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,462
It's true.
That's why she calls me Zippy.

90
00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:16,464
I guess it's okay.

91
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,367
I sure wish I could reconcile
with Bridget.

92
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,869
Oh, give her some time.

93
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,937
Took Lyndsey months
to forgive me.

94
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,373
What'd she have
to forgive you for?

95
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,175
Oh... I, uh...
I called her a slut

96
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:31,144
because, uh, I thought she
was sleeping with my brother,

97
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,781
uh, and I, uh... I accidentally
burned down her house.

98
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,817
Well, not in that order.

99
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,120
Anyway, thanks so much.

100
00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:42,790
He is going to move out
at some point, right?

101
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:45,092
You are so cute.

102
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,264
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

103
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,767
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

104
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:57,305
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

105
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,072
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

106
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,875
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

107
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:05,779
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

108
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:08,349
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

109
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,859
I was so sorry to hear
about your brother.

110
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,294
Yeah, yeah, very sad.

111
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,962
He fell in front of a train?

112
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:24,965
Uh, fell, pushed, jumped.

113
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:28,336
Whatever the verb, the end
result was Charlie tartare.

114
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,271
That's horrible.

115
00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,773
Yeah.

116
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,842
And we had to sell
the house in Malibu.

117
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:35,876
So where are you living?

118
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,277
The house in Malibu.

119
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:38,979
Wait, what?

120
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,180
Oh, it's actually
a funny story.

121
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:41,649
Um, the fellow
who bought it

122
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,950
is this incredibly
rich Internet guy

123
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,318
who's going through
a bad divorce,

124
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:45,953
and he's lonely,
he needs a friend,

125
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,221
so he asked me to stick
around for a while.

126
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,159
What's the funny part?

127
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:55,796
He actually thinks I'm
going to leave someday.

128
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,998
So, uh, how's things?
How's Eldridge?

129
00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:01,068
Let's not ruin the evening
by talking about our children.

130
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,703
(chuckles) Agreed.

131
00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:05,906
I have missed you.

132
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,307
I've missed you, too.

133
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,610
Can you ever forgive me
for being such an idiot?

134
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:10,811
Let's not ruin the evening

135
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,680
by talking about what
an idiot you were.

136
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,848
Good idea.

137
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:18,085
You know, I haven't slept with
anybody since we broke up.

138
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,653
How about you?

139
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:24,792
You know what?

140
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,094
Let's not ruin the evening
by talking.

141
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,731
* Men.

142
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,132
(knock at door)

143
00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,134
I got it.

144
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:41,208
Hello, little girl.

145
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,976
Hi, big daddy.
You got everything?

146
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:44,378
Hell, yeah.

147
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:47,080
Beer, bucket of drumsticks

148
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:49,349
and nine magic fingers.

149
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,651
(both laughing)

150
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,853
Let's go.

151
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,287
Uh, Berta?

152
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,356
What's going on?

153
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:57,758
What's it look like?

154
00:05:57,825 --> 00:05:59,259
I'm going to get drunk,
eat some chicken

155
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:00,994
and rock this
old man's world.

156
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,930
(laughing)

157
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:08,135
I got ten fingers
and a billion dollars,

158
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,071
and this guy's getting
more action than me.

159
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:14,241
(chiming)

160
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,079
What now, Walden?

161
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:21,715
Nothing.
I just wanted to say hi.

162
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,851
(sighs)
Sweetheart, listen to me.

163
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,218
We're getting divorced.

164
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,020
You need to get some friends,
get a life.

165
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,022
I don't want friends.
I don't want a life.

166
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:30,758
I just want you.

167
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,359
What... what are you
doing anyway?

168
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,762
Why... why are those people
wearing masks?

169
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:38,966
I'm at a charity event
for people without faces.

170
00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,769
Are you at an orgy?

171
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,036
An orgy?

172
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,237
Don't be ridiculous.

173
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:45,839
What kind of charity
has an orgy?

174
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,141
Bye.

175
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,278
BERTA:
You know, a real gentleman

176
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:54,247
would've taken his poop
before he came over.

177
00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:57,851
(both giggling)

178
00:07:04,992 --> 00:07:07,961
Hello!

179
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:10,097
Oh, I'm sorry. I-I didn't
know you were still up.

180
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:12,466
You must be Walden.
I'm Lyndsey.

181
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,267
Oh. Hi.

182
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,836
Okay, uh,
everybody's met.

183
00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,471
Time to hit
the old sackaroo.

184
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:20,073
Don't be rude, Alan.

185
00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:23,076
So, I understand you're going
through a tough divorce.

186
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,845
Yeah, it's tough for me.

187
00:07:24,912 --> 00:07:28,148
She's breezing through it
with naked, faceless people.

188
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:30,918
Have you guys tried to work
things out, go to therapy?

189
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:32,419
I offered.
She's not interested.

190
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,087
Well, that's all you
can do-- make the offer.

191
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,489
Lyndsey?

192
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:37,357
Hang on.

193
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:39,326
So what, you're
just sitting around

194
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:41,228
feeling sorry
for yourself?

195
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,030
No. Sometimes I lay down.

196
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,298
Sometimes I curl up in a ball.

197
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,367
See, he's fine.

198
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,504
Listen to me.

199
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,405
We just met,
we don't know each other,

200
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,842
but you obviously have a lot
going for you.

201
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,376
You're tall,
good-looking,

202
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:57,945
very successful.

203
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,447
Believe me,
women settle for a lot less.

204
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,483
And thank God for that.

205
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,953
You need to get out there
and find somebody

206
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,088
who appreciates
all that you have to offer.

207
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,890
I don't want anybody else.

208
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,392
That's just because you haven't
found that special someone.

209
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:15,863
Believe me, somewhere out there
is the perfect girl for you.

210
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,364
Who knows?

211
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,200
She could be sitting
right in front of you.

212
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,804
Gee, I'd like to believe that.

213
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:25,005
So would I.

214
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,408
You know... you know,
Lyndsey's right.

215
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,343
You need to go out
and find Ms. Right.

216
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,013
I mean, in fact, you should
get started immediately.

217
00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:34,314
Now?

218
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,850
No, I was just gonna
curl up in a ball.

219
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,820
Oh, come on. There's a great,
big, wide world out there

220
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:42,155
full of beautiful,
exciting, sexy people.

221
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,024
Where am I going to find them,
a bar?

222
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,358
I am not going to a bar.

223
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:46,459
Hey, if you're
looking for honey,

224
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,861
you got to go
where the bees are.

225
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:48,862
(buzzing)

226
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,097
Forget it.

227
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,132
I am not going to a bar.

228
00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:53,366
Hey, slick.

229
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,404
Where do you keep the plunger?

230
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,508
I am going to a bar.

231
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,382
* Men.

232
00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:11,018
(both panting)

233
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,319
Whoa.

234
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,521
Hi-ho, Silver.

235
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,456
I didn't hurt you,
did I?

236
00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:19,492
A little, but I only
need the one ball.

237
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,333
Boy, you really seemed
like a different woman.

238
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,568
Well, you seemed
like a different man.

239
00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,037
(knock at door)

240
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,338
WALDEN:
Hey, Alan?

241
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,473
Speak of the devil.

242
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:35,943
Hey. Am I interrupting?

243
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,212
No. Come in.

244
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,481
I just wanted to tell you
that I found her.

245
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,016
Found who?

246
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,584
Ms. Right.

247
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,286
Really?

248
00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:49,623
At a bar at... 12:30
on a Wednesday night?

249
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,426
Is she on a leash?

250
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,996
Woof.

251
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,200
* Men.

252
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:06,539
(Walden and Courtney
grunting and moaning)

253
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,613
Isn't that the girl
who almost married your brother?

254
00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:14,882
Yep.

255
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,549
Didn't she go to jail

256
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,485
for being some kind
of con artist?

257
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:19,552
Yep.

258
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,854
Doesn't it strike you

259
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,389
as an amazing coincidence

260
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:24,024
that she just ran
into Walden?

261
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:25,959
Nope.

262
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:28,028
You have to warn him
before he gets in too deep.

263
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:30,330
(Courtney whooping)

264
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,566
Sounds like he's
already in too deep.

265
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506
Who's my hungry boy?

266
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:41,709
Me.

267
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,944
Who's my naughty boy?

268
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,446
Me.

269
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,982
Who's going to get their bottom
spanked after breakfast?

270
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,283
You.

271
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,985
(gasps)

272
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,755
You are so smart.

273
00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:55,956
Open.

274
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,361
Sorry. Didn't mean to interrupt.

275
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,396
No, wait, Alan,
come back.

276
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,932
We're just having
breakfast.

277
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,701
Scrambled eggs and tongue.
Nice.

278
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,803
Hey, Alan, I want
to thank you.

279
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,805
If you hadn't made me
go out last night,

280
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:13,373
I would have never
met Courtney.

281
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,743
You're welcome, but I have
a feeling one way or another

282
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,277
she would have found you.

283
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,215
Oh, wait, hey, you know
what would be fun?

284
00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:25,318
Whatever it is, I'll do it.

285
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,787
You are something else.

286
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:32,726
No, Walden, what
would be fun?

287
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,227
Oh, right.

288
00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,263
What I was gonna say is,
why don't you and Lyndsey

289
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,131
and me and Courtney
all go out for dinner?

290
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,067
Oh, gee, I'd have
to check with Lyndsey.

291
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,802
Oh, come on, man, like
a big fancy dinner.

292
00:11:41,869 --> 00:11:43,003
It's sort of short notice.

293
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,006
My treat.
We'll be there.

294
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,241
Alan, do you want to watch
me and Walden having sex?

295
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,877
No, not particularly.

296
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,012
Then you'd better
get out quick.

297
00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:57,818
WALDEN:
Hot diggity,
that feels good!

298
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:07,460
I can't believe she's using
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

299
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:09,396
* Men.

300
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,965
Hello? Dad?

301
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,904
Oh, yay.

302
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:19,873
Hey, Courtney.

303
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:22,109
Jake, it's so good to see you.

304
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:23,176
You, too.

305
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,377
Oh, you've grown.

306
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,446
No, that's just my cell phone.

307
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,150
Jake, what
are you doing here?

308
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:31,819
I just, uh...

309
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,088
came by to...

310
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,826
What?

311
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,529
Look, could you do me a favor
and give us some privacy?

312
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,764
Yeah, sure.
Can I have a good-bye hug?

313
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:46,333
Jake, go.

314
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,168
Way to block me, Dad.

315
00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,873
So, Courtney.

316
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,474
So, Alan.

317
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,076
Where's Walden?

318
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,777
He's upstairs taking a nap.

319
00:12:57,845 --> 00:12:58,946
Recharge the batteries?

320
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,480
The batteries are fine.

321
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,150
It's the flashlight
that needs a rest.

322
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,218
What can I do for you?

323
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:08,221
I want you to leave
Walden alone.

324
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,090
He's not ready
for someone like you.

325
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,059
Someone like me?

326
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,427
What ever do you mean?

327
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,463
Someone who's creating
a lifestyle

328
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,031
from finding wealthy men

329
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,833
and sponging off them
as much as they can.

330
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,303
Gee, Alan, that sounds
a lot like you.

331
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,906
What ever do you mean?

332
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,340
Eight years living
off your brother,

333
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,942
sleeping on
his fold-out couch.

334
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,078
Oh, leave it to you to
spin it so I look bad.

335
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,080
See you at dinner, Alan.

336
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:37,918
Oh, I will see you at dinner
all right, young lady.

337
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:45,092
* Men.

338
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,528
Ugh, gristle.

339
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,932
Aw, here honey, let me cut
that fat away for you.

340
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,601
Thank you.

341
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,371
Bit of a fatty
piece here myself.

342
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,174
Yeah, so?

343
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,077
Oh, you got a little schmutz.

344
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:06,413
Thank you.

345
00:14:06,479 --> 00:14:09,549
So, looks like you two guys
hit it off pretty quick.

346
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:11,218
What's the point
of going slow?

347
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,519
When it's right,
it's right.

348
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:14,421
And it is right, right?
Right.

349
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:17,891
Hey, I finished my beans.
Can I have dessert?

350
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,492
I am dessert.

351
00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,961
Thank you.

352
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,964
WALDEN:
Hey.

353
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,265
Hmm?
You know what
would be cool?

354
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,234
What?
Move in with me.

355
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,138
Whoa, slow down, Walden.

356
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,107
Yeah, slow down, Walden.
You just met her last night.

357
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:36,543
Yeah, but I want to be
with her all the time.

358
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:40,447
Oh, baby, that is so sweet,
but is there even room for me?

359
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,583
What about Alan?

360
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:46,319
Yeah, what about Alan?

361
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,388
But he's moving
out, right?

362
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,324
Right.

363
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,193
I don't know. I'm not
really the kind of girl

364
00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,195
who just moves in with
a guy after one night.

365
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,529
Please.

366
00:14:56,596 --> 00:14:57,965
Okay.

367
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,538
Well, I guess I need to
find a new place to live.

368
00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:08,208
Yeah, good luck with that.

369
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:13,413
* Men.

370
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,915
Morning, Alan.

371
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,917
Morning.

372
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:19,219
Where's your little girlfriend?

373
00:15:19,286 --> 00:15:21,221
She couldn't sleep,
so she went home.

374
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,489
What was the problem?

375
00:15:22,555 --> 00:15:24,391
I think it was hearing the third

376
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,294
"Hot diggity, that feels good!"

377
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,697
Oh, yeah, number three
was a well-timed ice cube.

378
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:39,106
You think you've beaten me,
don't you?

379
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,707
Alan, it was never a contest.

380
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,977
Of the two of us,
only I can bring the "diggity."

381
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,512
(doorbell ringing)

382
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:48,715
Don't be so sure of yourself.

383
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,617
I may have a final card to play.

384
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,685
Well, unless that card
is a vagina in your pocket,

385
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,321
I'm not particularly
worried.

386
00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:01,194
Oh, thanks for
coming, Bridget.

387
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,762
Well, you said Walden
was in trouble.

388
00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:06,433
Hi, I'm the trouble
Walden's been in. Repeatedly.

389
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:09,669
Uh, Courtney, this is
Walden's wife Bridget.

390
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:13,106
Bridget, this is the "lady"
I was telling you about.

391
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,175
WALDEN:
Bridget?

392
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:17,644
What are you doing here?

393
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,579
Well, Alan called
and told me

394
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,248
that you were doing
something stupid.

395
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,483
And I just met her.

396
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:25,852
She's just sorry

397
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,654
she threw you out,
but it's too late now,

398
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,323
isn't it, baby?
WALDEN: Really?

399
00:16:30,390 --> 00:16:31,524
You're sorry
you threw me out?

400
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,660
Who cares?
Come upstairs.

401
00:16:33,726 --> 00:16:35,795
Walden, just because
I can't live with you anymore,

402
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:37,664
doesn't mean that I want you

403
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,533
to be taken to the cleaners
by Botox Barbie here.

404
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,803
Don't listen to her.
Come upstairs.

405
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,873
Walden, if you go with her,
I will never talk to you again.

406
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:49,776
Why don't both you broads
hold out a treat and whistle

407
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,878
and we'll see which
one he goes to.

408
00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,784
Boy, this is a toughie.

409
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:04,824
I really love having
a life with you.

410
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:07,260
Sharing my hopes

411
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:10,330
and dreams.

412
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:14,534
But I also really love

413
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:17,304
burying my head in your breasts
and going (motorboat noise).

414
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:23,276
Honey, it's not
about the sex.

415
00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:25,745
It's not about
your money.

416
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,714
I want to be with you.

417
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,749
I want to take care of you.

418
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:34,087
Oh, that's a good answer.

419
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:35,622
Bridget?

420
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:38,958
We have a winner!

421
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:42,895
Courtney, do you think that your
deep feelings for my husband

422
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:44,897
can in any way be affected

423
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:46,766
by a cashier's check
for $50,000?

424
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,136
(whimpering):
$50,000?

425
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,239
You actually think
that you can buy me off?

426
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,607
Your real name is Sylvia Fishman
and you're wanted

427
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,909
in three states for fraud,
forgery and money laundering.

428
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:59,912
Bye, Walden.
It was fun.

429
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,650
Aw, darn.

430
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,586
I was really looking forward
to more diggity.

431
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,821
If Bridget will write me
a check like that,

432
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:10,623
I'll diggity
your brains out.

433
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,662
I'll diggity you for free.

434
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:18,064
* Men.

435
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,338
How you doing?

436
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:28,341
Let this be
a warning to you, Alan.

437
00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,810
There are women out there
that will be nice to you

438
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,945
just to get to your money.

439
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:34,547
Thanks.

440
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:38,551
But that's not very high
on my list of concerns.

441
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,887
I just feel so stupid.

442
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,423
Oh, hey. Don't sell
yourself short.

443
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,493
I'm sure she was also attracted
to your chiseled good looks,

444
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,229
youthful stamina
and freakishly large penis.

445
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:52,499
Thanks.
That makes me feel better.

446
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:56,836
I'm glad, 'cause it makes me
feel like hanging myself.

447
00:18:56,903 --> 00:19:00,340
So how'd you leave
things with Bridget?

448
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,974
Pretty much the same place.

449
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,443
She still wants
a divorce.

450
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,111
Oh, I'm sorry.

451
00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:06,879
But she obviously
still cares about you.

452
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:08,415
I mean, a lot of people
would have used

453
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,949
the money she
gave Courtney for--

454
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:13,986
I don't know--
medical insurance, a new car,

455
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:18,057
maybe a college prep tutor
for their idiot son.

456
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:20,460
You can have
all those things, Alan.

457
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,994
I can?

458
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,396
Sure. You just have
to make more money.

459
00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:26,132
Right.

460
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:27,500
Duh.

461
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,471
Hey, thanks for calling Bridget.

462
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:32,839
Oh, no problem.

463
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,341
No, you really had my back.

464
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,108
Oh, that's what
friends do.

465
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,610
Well, I want you to know
that you have

466
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,145
a home here as long as you want.

467
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,980
Really?

468
00:19:41,047 --> 00:19:43,015
Because I am looking
for a place.

469
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:44,584
No, I want...
I want you to stay.

470
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,419
I like having
somebody here I can trust.

471
00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,588
Well, if it's
what you want.

472
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:50,890
BERTA:
Ah, son of a bitch.

473
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,525
I knew you'd
find a way

474
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,427
to weasel your
way back in.

475
00:19:54,494 --> 00:19:57,430
I'm out of here.

476
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,031
Well, you're not
quitting, are you?

477
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,300
Nah, I'm moving
back home.

478
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,534
I'll see
you Monday.

479
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,403
Wow. (chuckles)

480
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:06,506
Looks like I get to take
my old room back, huh?

481
00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:08,107
Hey, whatever
you want, buddy.

482
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:10,910
Just make sure the
nine-fingered man is gone.

483
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,382
How about that?

484
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:18,184
For once, things actually
work out well for old Alan.

485
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,919
(chuckles)

486
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,489
(choking)

487
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,935
(straining):
Help! Help! 911...!

488
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:39,939
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

489
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:44,411
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